Something About Growing Up....[R E M E M B E R]

...Something about growing up & older gets me thinking a lot...

...about the future as well as the past.





I feel like so much has happened in my life, it’s hard to remember it all
But it all brings me back to one thing...more like one issue: my family...


Now I have problems remembering things sometimes, more often than not...
I remember as a child (a very clumsy one if I must say, even today as an adult lol), I would get in trouble for forgetting certain important things. For instance if my mom asked me to do something & I honestly forgot, she would get so upset & I would feel so bad about it. It was MY fault!! She once told me,”well you better start remembering then!” & I’m like how the heck am I gonna do that??!!

So...I prayed to God & I asked him to help me remember =) because I didn’t want to upset my mother anymore because of my forgetfulness...
I prayed he would give me a better memory... I didn’t want to forget any-thing
& believe what you will but, that’s exactly what I got! Lol I couldn’t forget SHIT!

I guess throughout the years, as things changed & in certain unfortunate situations, I taught myself to forget again...

But should it really be so bad that I can barely remember parts of my childhood?
I mean I can recall certain things but the way I remember them is more like someone told me I did those things, not like I actually did any of it...it’s all very vague. Is that normal?

I remember being a very creative, imaginative, different, quiet, misplaced, observant young girl...

Simplicity could explain it I guess...

All I needed was 97.9, my dog Ginger & a pair of roller blades for playing outside
I was used to being somewhat invisible but in a way I mostly didn’t mind.
I would spend my days listening to the radio & playing records ALL day...
Going outside to skate lol
Mocking my favorite music videos & pretending I was some kind of super star!
& I was a star...only a one nobody could see, perhaps a black star...

(I mean how hard would it be to see a black star?)[<= giving the benefit of the doubt] On the other hand, perhaps no one tried to see me shine. [<= that’s more like it...] I used to want to be a ballerina (dancer)...then an ice skater...then a singer ;) The thing about my family is that rather than encouraging me to chase my dreams, & there were (& still are) very many, when I was asked, (mostly by my grandmother) “Brittany, what do you want to be when you grow up?” when I gave the response of a career path expressing my artistic side/interest/talent etc. it was simply rejected. Period. No consideration what-so-ever. My “family” immediately tried to change my mind! They made me feel as though MY dreams were unachievable... (& sometimes it seems like they still try to make me feel that way...)

If you know what that’s like, you can understand how angry & abandoned I must have felt. If you don’t know what that’s like, lucky you, you don’t wanna know...

Really, around what age does your family start asking you questions about your future? They may start to ask when you’re like 7 or 8 but the serious inquiries come around ages 12(maybe 13)- 17 or 18, cause you should probably know by 18 or at least have an idea of what you want to do for the rest or your life, I think...

The older I get...the more I start to remember things
I remember being at home in Hiram Clarke Houston, Tx. Every single time we had the family over for whatever reason, usually birthdays, I would take all of the girls to my room & teach a dance, on spot, & we would practice 2 or 3 times & then perform for all of our guests, which would serve as our audience in the living room area. We would get all dressed up & everything!!
It would be sooo much fun! I was always the choreographer & I would feel so important! I wish we had videos of those times!

I remember doing my very best at whatever I set out for but no matter what I did, I always seemed to be outshined by someone I sometimes felt was maybe a little less deserving than I.
I didn’t even have to own the spot light... all I wanted is my credit!! Is a little recognition too much to ask for?! Geesh!

In elementary, as a cheerleader I felt in-freakin-visible! & my height didn’t help cause we all know the big bitches go to the back! Lol

In Middle school, as a dancer, & I must admit I was still very nervous about trying things and showing my talent off. I was half-way shaken out of my leotard when I auditioned for dance in the magnet program at Dowling... I hadn’t become as confident as the other girls yet & I believe it showed... as a majorette, I experienced more challenges... hell I didn’t establish my hitch kick until the day before try-outs! Literally! I mean I had lots of help & lots of encouragement but I still felt like half of them didn’t believe in me...& it went on like that...me feeling like the girl who always barely made it. An underdog I’d like to think.


I won’t even mention my music & high school or this would surely turn into my memoir!

But the point I’m reaching for is that had my family encouraged me & pushed me toward my dreams rather than pulling me apart from them I honestly believe it would have dramatically affected my life.


Now please don’t understand this to be my putting off any responsibility for my decisions, I’m not placing blame on my family, I take full responsibility for anything I’ve done, I’m simply recognizing the ways I was raised in point to change my path... you live and you learn indeed.
I mean I have no idea who I was! But the essential thing is that I am accurately aware of who I want to be & will stop only when I become her.
It’s important to know what’s missing... that way you know what to look for
& if you’re not exactly sure what to look for, if you know what’s missing, you’ll definitely know when you HAVEN’T found it! ;)

This is all in revelation to me coming into my light and taking what I have been to form who I will become.
& as I grow, I will only surround myself with those who encourage and trust that a person’s dreams won’t let them down...

Your dreams give you hope. They give you reason for being. They give you a rush of adrenaline when chasing them, even in your sleep. & most importantly they give you happiness... & you should let NO ONE deprive you of your happiness...

Not even “family”...