AiN'T DAT A TRiP?!

2:50am

Ain't this a trip
after all the time HE spent
chasin after me
IM the one to submit!

Ain't DAT sum shit?!
Shit, I was chillin
but then
he knocked & I let him in
now he re-arranging shit!

Ain't dat a bitch!!
I really can't believe it
trippin over another dude ain't even me

Now ain't dat a trip! Ha!
literally cause
If Im falling for you
need you to catch me, not pick me up ;)

How did he do it?
He musta caught me slippin
I handed him the script &
dis muthafcka flipped it!

Dis dude got me trippin!
& i need for him to fix it
can't keep coming back & forth
I need solid stability

I mean he really got to me
Got me cryin drunken tears
cause I can't seem to understand
whats so wrong wit me dat he cant stay here ???

& he knows how I feel
cause he can hear my tears
but he's silent until he's ready to try again

I can't keep doin this
playin lovers & friends
if you can be a good lover,
why can't you be a good friend?

But I can't describe the feelings
he takes my heart & makes me weak
he keeps breaking my code
ain't never had a lock & key


Tug-of-war:Love Edition
he worked so hard for a position
& when i came around he let me down
& I'm supposed to believe it's gon be different??

You must be trippin!

Cause really, seriously
You're just now realizing how much you miss me
"I'm really sorry, I am, it's gon be different
baby trust me. All I need is one more chance B
please hug me, hold me, kiss me"

Dammit man, don't temp me
I really should avoid thee
but you do something real to me
you make this "love" thing appeal to me

& I won't stop until I learn tho
you keep it real, this chance you'll earn so
I'll deal ya hand so play ya cards right
You Final chance into my love life



((make it count for somethin hunni...u don't wanna waste my time is money))

-B

they don't listen, they don't hear me

3:17am
1/18/09

I don't kno what I'm sayin

I ain't talking bout much &

my opinion don't mean nothing

don't listen to me talking

I ain't turning 4o something

I ain't grown cause I ain't old

don't mean shit what I think

when it's over you'll see

believe what you wanna believe

i'm thru wasting my breath

cause it ain't over fa you yet

jus wait, you gon it plz believe

I ain't trippin on it mama

ain't got time fa yo drama

it's yo world i jus live in this muthafcka

I must not have no sense

cause I ain't "raising" no kids

but if I ain't, point out who is

damn right i don't agree

but it ain't shit comin from me

gotta wait til a friend or nigga say it

you can try to lay it thick

but you ain't gon do shit

ya kids kno it & so does everybody else

what's da meaning of a mother?

what's da meaning of a brotha?

what's da meaning of a sista?

man I missed it.

can't say dat i'm sure I kno it

cause seem like dey don't show it

what is the definition of the "American Dream"??

it don't matter what i mean

cause i jus barely hit da scene

for 20 years I ain't learned a damn thing

i'm just a big dumb dummy

don't pay me no mind hunni

"she think she know EVERYTHING"

she had to come home from school

don't take advice from no fool!

she ain't even got a job; she got fired

I don't listen to her jab

she be talkin out her ass

man whatever, she think she my mama

you can't tell me what to do!

now i'm taller than you

now what? what you gon do?!

Nothin!

you ain't my mother!

you can't make me do nothing!

then again neither could she

they don't listen, they don't hear me

damn right, i ain't got children

so why it feel like i'm living wit 4?

>>Ha!<<

I ain't trippin, life goes on

i'm jus ready to go

& when i do...

ain't no point in "told ya so..."

I could go on & on & on
ain't no point when I talk
they don't hear me
Hellooooo?

♥B

Something About Growing Up....[R E M E M B E R]

...Something about growing up & older gets me thinking a lot...

...about the future as well as the past.





I feel like so much has happened in my life, it’s hard to remember it all
But it all brings me back to one thing...more like one issue: my family...


Now I have problems remembering things sometimes, more often than not...
I remember as a child (a very clumsy one if I must say, even today as an adult lol), I would get in trouble for forgetting certain important things. For instance if my mom asked me to do something & I honestly forgot, she would get so upset & I would feel so bad about it. It was MY fault!! She once told me,”well you better start remembering then!” & I’m like how the heck am I gonna do that??!!

So...I prayed to God & I asked him to help me remember =) because I didn’t want to upset my mother anymore because of my forgetfulness...
I prayed he would give me a better memory... I didn’t want to forget any-thing
& believe what you will but, that’s exactly what I got! Lol I couldn’t forget SHIT!

I guess throughout the years, as things changed & in certain unfortunate situations, I taught myself to forget again...

But should it really be so bad that I can barely remember parts of my childhood?
I mean I can recall certain things but the way I remember them is more like someone told me I did those things, not like I actually did any of it...it’s all very vague. Is that normal?

I remember being a very creative, imaginative, different, quiet, misplaced, observant young girl...

Simplicity could explain it I guess...

All I needed was 97.9, my dog Ginger & a pair of roller blades for playing outside
I was used to being somewhat invisible but in a way I mostly didn’t mind.
I would spend my days listening to the radio & playing records ALL day...
Going outside to skate lol
Mocking my favorite music videos & pretending I was some kind of super star!
& I was a star...only a one nobody could see, perhaps a black star...

(I mean how hard would it be to see a black star?)[<= giving the benefit of the doubt] On the other hand, perhaps no one tried to see me shine. [<= that’s more like it...] I used to want to be a ballerina (dancer)...then an ice skater...then a singer ;) The thing about my family is that rather than encouraging me to chase my dreams, & there were (& still are) very many, when I was asked, (mostly by my grandmother) “Brittany, what do you want to be when you grow up?” when I gave the response of a career path expressing my artistic side/interest/talent etc. it was simply rejected. Period. No consideration what-so-ever. My “family” immediately tried to change my mind! They made me feel as though MY dreams were unachievable... (& sometimes it seems like they still try to make me feel that way...)

If you know what that’s like, you can understand how angry & abandoned I must have felt. If you don’t know what that’s like, lucky you, you don’t wanna know...

Really, around what age does your family start asking you questions about your future? They may start to ask when you’re like 7 or 8 but the serious inquiries come around ages 12(maybe 13)- 17 or 18, cause you should probably know by 18 or at least have an idea of what you want to do for the rest or your life, I think...

The older I get...the more I start to remember things
I remember being at home in Hiram Clarke Houston, Tx. Every single time we had the family over for whatever reason, usually birthdays, I would take all of the girls to my room & teach a dance, on spot, & we would practice 2 or 3 times & then perform for all of our guests, which would serve as our audience in the living room area. We would get all dressed up & everything!!
It would be sooo much fun! I was always the choreographer & I would feel so important! I wish we had videos of those times!

I remember doing my very best at whatever I set out for but no matter what I did, I always seemed to be outshined by someone I sometimes felt was maybe a little less deserving than I.
I didn’t even have to own the spot light... all I wanted is my credit!! Is a little recognition too much to ask for?! Geesh!

In elementary, as a cheerleader I felt in-freakin-visible! & my height didn’t help cause we all know the big bitches go to the back! Lol

In Middle school, as a dancer, & I must admit I was still very nervous about trying things and showing my talent off. I was half-way shaken out of my leotard when I auditioned for dance in the magnet program at Dowling... I hadn’t become as confident as the other girls yet & I believe it showed... as a majorette, I experienced more challenges... hell I didn’t establish my hitch kick until the day before try-outs! Literally! I mean I had lots of help & lots of encouragement but I still felt like half of them didn’t believe in me...& it went on like that...me feeling like the girl who always barely made it. An underdog I’d like to think.


I won’t even mention my music & high school or this would surely turn into my memoir!

But the point I’m reaching for is that had my family encouraged me & pushed me toward my dreams rather than pulling me apart from them I honestly believe it would have dramatically affected my life.


Now please don’t understand this to be my putting off any responsibility for my decisions, I’m not placing blame on my family, I take full responsibility for anything I’ve done, I’m simply recognizing the ways I was raised in point to change my path... you live and you learn indeed.
I mean I have no idea who I was! But the essential thing is that I am accurately aware of who I want to be & will stop only when I become her.
It’s important to know what’s missing... that way you know what to look for
& if you’re not exactly sure what to look for, if you know what’s missing, you’ll definitely know when you HAVEN’T found it! ;)

This is all in revelation to me coming into my light and taking what I have been to form who I will become.
& as I grow, I will only surround myself with those who encourage and trust that a person’s dreams won’t let them down...

Your dreams give you hope. They give you reason for being. They give you a rush of adrenaline when chasing them, even in your sleep. & most importantly they give you happiness... & you should let NO ONE deprive you of your happiness...

Not even “family”...

.YOU.AiN'T.HUMAN.WiTHOUT.[F E A R].

Over my many years of listening to some pretty amazing music...


I've come accross some very talented individuals as well as some very identifyable & inspiring lyrics


hence..Jazmine Sullivan's, "Fear" [Fearless, 2008]


The lyrics are very true & very relative with anyone chasing his/her dream...


Life is full of fears, everyone has one, atleast one...





but the way to differentiate the strong from the weak, the men from the boys, or the women from the girls is simple: Face your fears or run from them??





Below I've listed her lyrics & i've shared a few of my own, very similar fears...


Enjoy ;)





Her lyrics state:

"I'm scared to try cause Im scared to fail..."

In alot of ways, I can relate...

Sometimes I am afraid to try something for fear it wont work. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy & are hardest on ourselves. We fill ourseves with self doubt.

[Support yourself, dont be so hard on ya!!]

"I'm scared to die cause I'm scared of Hell..."

Ok she hit this one right on the nail! I'm scared to die right now!! I kno i'm not ready!! & because of that, i'm scared as shit of hell!

[Bedda be ready when HE comes...]

"I'm scared to kiss I'm scared to hug..."

I'm scared to kiss the wrong guy...

I once read that a kiss is sacred..& it is

what if he ALL WRONG

what if his kiss is HORRIBLE

what if he's not worth it

I mean I kno some ppl think "Ok, it's JUST a kiss", but seriously, it's not

Uh, HELLO?? Can we say "MONO"!!-jus sayin...

[Have some standards...]

"I'm scared of sex cause I'm scared to touch..."

& Sex...too many of us are waaaaaay too comfortable with it, not enough of us are afraid to touch...it should be treated as sacred as it once was...

lets not forget that we (figuratively) carry around each person we lay with...EWW

Sorry but that kinda freaks me out...dat's some serious baggage!!

[DNT BE NO BAG lADY!!-Jus sayin...]

& Sullivan proceeds::

"I'm scared to look cause I'm scared to see..."

I'm scared to look cause I'm scared to see...hmm what does that mean to me? lol

sometimes you wanna find something sooo bad you dont completely think it thru...

what if you find it (or think you find it)-whatever you're seeking, & it's not what you thought it was...or better yet, you HATE it?

[Food For Thought...]

"I'm scared of you cause I'm scared of me..."

Have you ever wondered why you dislike someone soo much?

& then later realized whatever you despise in them, you possess yourself??

Or a more common matter, for example, you're afraid that he/she will cheat on you because you would, or have cheated on him/her...that guitly conscience thing??

[Think on that.]

"I'm scared to fly cause I'm scared to crash..."

It's very simple what this means to me

I am literally afraid of flying!!!

never been on a plane before!!

But I will someday!

[*Face your fears!! ;) ]

"I'm scared to move on so I live in the past..."

alot of times we're scared to let go of things we miss, that aren't necessarily beneficial to us. we hold on to them and by that we are living in the past...

you know that ex you can't STAND but you still can't STAND to see him/her with someone else??

[Uh-huh...there goes that baggage again...]

"I'm scared to fight cause I'm scared to bleed..."

Ok this isnt relative to me verbatim BUT i am not confrontational

& i dnt like to have to fight, but if the time comes i will

[i like to keep the peace...]

"I'm scared to love cause I'm scared he'll leave..."

GUILTY!

Can't do the love thing...I mean if it happens, cool, but i'd rather stay away

Too many disappointments..too much time wasted

I'm scared to fall & I am scared to fall hard

& most importantly, im scared if I fall, he'll be the wrong one =(

[If I fall, catch me please...]

"I'm scared of drugs I'm scared to drink..."

I will admit i have somewhat of a curious mind.

I've tried different drinks & I (occasionally) smoke weed but

I am afraid to things like alcohol poisoning or stumbling across the wrong drug & becoming addicted...

I'm more afraid of drinking because it DOES indeed slur your judgement!

Lets make good choices ppl!!

[Everybody look bedda when you on da juice-Keri Hilson (Happie Juice)]

"I'm scared to swim cause I'm scared to sink..."

Um...not applicable

;)

lol i can swim good enough of to save my own life...only mine!

BUT if i were abandoned in the Atlantic...I'd be nothing short of TERRIFIED!!!

On the otherhand, metaphorically, if you've listened to Mariah Carey's "My All" there's a part where's she uses a similar metaphor (if this is even a metaphor lol), of course, about love...

(that has nothing to do with this at all lol-dont ask!)

If Jazmine Sullivan means this about love I agree 1-ten percent...It's kinda like what i said "I'm scared to fall, cause I'm scared to fall hard"...

[I'm drowned in you & I won't pull thru without you by my side-Mariah Carey (My All)]

"I'm scared to learn cause I'm scared of truth..."

Many of us dread finding the out the truth about sensitive issues

like "what you don't kno won't hurt you"

It sounds harsh but it's true

Sometimes (and only sometimes) is the truth too painful or unbearable...

"Dont wanna gain weight, guess I'm scared of food..."

Well...

Im not scared of food but I sure hate to gain weight!!

I got nothing here

if you do..please comment...

"I'm scared to think that the label dropped me

I'm scared to think of my album flopping..."

If I were a recording artist, I would most definately be afraid of the flopping and dropping!

It already takes forever to get in the game!!

Took Keri Hilson 10years to really get in the game, she was behind the scenes as a ghost writer.

But in general, it's a scary thing to work so hard for something & have it taken away

It could make you wanna give up...

[Don't let something that re-achievable get you down. Starting over might piss you off but be thankful for the opportunity & the possibility of grasping again what you lost, whatever it may be. You can't have it all-that's life & it's very true that what doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER! (<=also one my favorite songs::Kanye West)]

"THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY BUT IT'S TRUE

SO DNT PRETEND IT AIN'T YOU TOO

WE'RE ALL AFRAID OF SOMETHING HERE

CAUSE YOU AIN'T HUMAN WITHOUT FEAR

HEY HEY HEY..."

Very very true...

[You ain't human without fear]

The next verse is my favorite =)

"Im scared to start cause I'm scared I'll quit..."

I am terrified of half-heartedly pursuing any endeavor!

If I can't give it my all, I try to leave it for later

But once i'm in it, IM IN IT!

Can't stop, Won't stop

[For me giving up's wy harder den tryin-KANYE WEST (Champion, Graduation 2007)]

"I'm scared that ppl won't like my shit..."

Now I am very artistic

very deep
very abstract

very different

very weird

I won't say that I'm scared that ppl won't like my shit, but it does mean a great deal if they love it ;) jus sayin!!

But initially, it's very frightening putting yourself out there

you want to be accepted & you want to be appreciated

& in the end you want ppl to like you & ultimately respect you

(especially when you try something new)

"I'm scared of fame & paparazzi

Rumors starting & ppl watching.."

Ok now some of you may not like any form of "fame" or popularity what-so-ever

& some, like me, don't mind it...to a certain extent.

I personally hate other ppl in MY business!! It drives me crazy that other ppl find humor & interest in other ppl's drama, failure, distress, etc.

But to be sensible about it, i guess its fair to place a diagnosis on myself:: I hate to admit it but I, Brittany Mishon, am afraid to have other ppl know my personal business, good or bad.

It's a security thing & i really feel that this is a logical fear & more ppl should be cautious of how they handle their personal business, including myself.

I don't ppl to know anything about me that I didn't inform them of myself. If i told you something it was meant for only YOU to know, duh! I guess the problem is that not everyone understands that but that's another subject: Trust.

Back on topic, I start feeling flushed with embarrassment the minute im exposed about something that i want to be confidential but EVERYBODY KNOWS!! ugh! It really pisses me off! My face shows it & my blood rushes uncontrollably! I hate not being able to control things like that...

& ahhh rumors...we can all say we don't care what others say about us & some ppl may even admit that they hate it

but honestly, it's frustrating for ppl to perceive you in a way that you don't want to be perceived! & even if you honestly don't care (& most of us CHOOSE not to care because there's nothing we can physically do about it...) if you could change what ppl say about you, would you?

I know that I want ppl to say great things about me, but I also want an honest....judgement, for lack of a better term...so its easy to see how someone could fear a rumor.

"I'm scared to grow up cause I'm scared to get old..."

Jus to be brief...disability & new responsibilities can be very frightening. What if you do something wrong?? Can you really afford to experiment with old age? Think about what this means to you...

"I'm scared of the dark & being alone..."

Now I'm not literally afraid of the dark but metaphorically, yes. & I never want to be alone. It's very important that we, as human beings feel loved. If ever I seriously felt alone, I'd feel crippled & lonely. & loneliness can easily lead to depression which can lead to doing stupid things to fill the void which is all very UNHEALTHY!!

Let's surround ourselves with a healthy source of love & companionship.

"I'm scared of war, I"m scared of jail..."

That's pretty self-explanatory if you ask me...

I dread both.

"Scared to share a secret cause I'm scared you'll tell..."

And again, pretty self-explanatory. & sometimes, jus like you can be your own worst enemy, sometimes you are also your bestfriend for that simple reason. How many times do you hear,"I'm sorry, it just slipped out!" after sharing a "secret"??

Well if you don't know, you can't slip up can you?

Well that about wraps it up!

"Fear" expresses some REAL fears! Not small fears like, "oh im scared of spiders!'

unless you are seriously terrified of spiders lol but it displays some very serious issues that could modify your character drastically!

Maybe not as extreme as phobias, but some very crucial & common terrors.

This song is very very down to earth & extremely brave.

When you can admit your fears, you omit your self-control & power but all in the same you show your humanity & you express that your "fears" are only "things" & you refuse to let those "things" hold you down or get the best of you...

& if you have a tough-guy/girl mentality & you miraculously don't have ANY fears

not even one of bugs or something...??? you've got alot to learn about yourself

Cause you ain't "human" without [F E A R]...

♥B

::E V O l U T i O N::

WHO EVER KNEW YOU COUlD FEEl EVOlUTiON

FEEl THE CHANGE iN YOUR BODY SO FlUENT

YOUR HEART CHANGES PACE

& YOUR MiND iS AT EASE

YOU RECOGNiZE YOUR FlAWS

& NO lONGER FEEl THE NEED

TO RUSH THRU YOUR liFE...YOU lEARN TO TAKE YOUR TiME

TO VAlUE EACH SECOND

& COMPlETElY HARMONiZE

WiTH YOUR NEXT DESTiNATiON

THE WOMAN YOU Will BECOME

THE SERENiTY THAT YOU'VE lEARNED

Will HElP YOU MOVE AlONG...

YOU lEARN TO lOVE YOU

& lET THEM All FAll jEAlOUS

THAT THE ADORATiON YOU ONCE GAVE THEM

WAS UNAPPRECiATED BY THE FOOliSH

A FORK iN THE ROAD

THERE'S A CHOiCE lEFT TO MAKE

NO ONE CAN MAKE iT FOR YOU

& YOUR liFE iS AT STAKE

WHEN YOU'VE GUiDED YOURSElF

CAUSE SOMEBODY GAVE UP ON YOU

YOU lEARN THAT THE SUN, DOES TOO, SHiNE ON YOU

YOU WORK & YOU STRiVE TO liVE & SURViVE

YET All THE WHilE YOU FElT A BiT lONElY iNSiDE

MAYBE DADDY WASN'T THERE

& All YOU WANT iS TO TAlK

MAYBE All YOU WANT iS A FRiEND

WHO WONT TURN SCARY & WAlK

MAYBE MOMMY WASN'T THERE

MAYBE SHE WAS WiTH NO SUPPORT

MAYBE EVERYTHiNG SEEMED FiNE

THERE CAN STill EXiST HURT

MAYBE YOU ARE YOUR ONlY FRiEND

YOU'RE ONlY SOUl WORTH TRUSTiNG

MAYBE YOUR HEART'S MANY TEARS iS WHAT'S MADE iTS DOOR RUSTY

NOW iT WONT OPEN

NO ONE'S AllOWED iNSiDE

OVER TiME FAilED RElATiONSHiPS HAVE MilDlY, lEFT YOU TiRED

OVER

&

OVER

&

OVER

&

OVER

AGAiN

YOU

TRiED. CRiED. & iT FElT liKE YOU EVEN DiED.

NOT PHYSiCAllY-EMOTiONAllY

DRAiNED & CONFUSED

ABUSED & MiSUSED

NEGlECTED, AN iTEM TO SOMETHiNG(ONE) CRUEl

SO YOU DECiDED YOU WERE THRU

i DNT NEED YOU, YOU, OR YOU

YOU'VE HElPED ME GO BACKWARDS

PROGRESSiON iSN'T POSSiBlE WiTH YOUR DEAD WEiGHT HOlDiNG ME DOWN

YOUR NAME iS AN ANCHOR

WHiCH i SHOUlD liVE WiTHOUT

i'VE WAiSTED TOO MUCH TiME

BEiNG SHADOWED WiTH DOUBT

THiS iS TiME FOR MY FlOURiSH

MY COMiNG iNTO MY liGHT

MY SHEll HAS BEEN CRACKED & i AM WAiTiNG iNSiDE

NOT THE ME YOU KNEW BEFORE

BUT MY TRUE iNNER B-iNG

TiME TO PUT AWAY THE PAST

& BEGiN A FRESH PATH FOR liViNG

i'VE BEEN TAlKED ABOUT BADlY

HATED & liED TO

& iT'S SUCH A SHAME BECAUSE

THiS iS THE TRUE & REAl YOU

TiME TO ClEAN MY HEARTS ClOSET

& PUT,ONlY, BACK iNSiDE...

WHAT FiTS...

[NOT THEORETiCAllY]

BUT iN iTS ACTUAl SiZE!!

i'VE ENDURED & BEEN PASSiVE

ONlY SPEAKiNG HAlF OF MY MiND

BUT i'll DEVElOP MY OWN COMMENCEMENT

ENABlE MY OWN TiME

i CAN Fill MY NEW lUNGS

WiTH UNTOUCHED AiR EACH TiME

& iT FEElS liKE BREATHiNG FOR THE VERY FiRST TiME!

i HAVE A NEW PAiR OF EYES

A FRESH NEW ENERGY

SCREAMiNG

HOW BlESED!!

&

FiNAllY!!!

i

CAN EXPlODE iNTO THiS WORlD!

i CAN COME OUT OF MY BEE HiVE!!

iTS TiME TO BREAK AWAY

MY 20 RESOlUTiON

NO lONGER HiDE A THiNG

TiME HAS ARRiVED...

FOR

MY

EVOlUTiON...

YOURS TRUlY...♥B